July 19, 2022 (I think).
Oh, the confusion. Just out of bed with a dream still in my head. Not a good dream…but damn—now it too, is already gone! Oh these ‘lapses’ are so frustrating! Clock says it is 7:05 but it seems like the end of a day, like I’ve been up all day and am worn out, with robe on getting ready to go to bed…when the reality is, I have just awakened. I also just cancelled Michelle’s visit. I’m in no shape or frame of mind to try and carry on a conversation. Too taxing, too difficult to form words and thoughts. Even typing this piece feels like a onus task, my fingers not able to keep up with my mind’s thoughts. Well, my mind’s thoughts are scrambled and unclear, and trying to recall them causes my head to ache. I’m decaying.
July 22, 2022
Just ‘found’ this…nothing new here, is there? This is the pattern of most of my days. Very
little significant…except today. Beth and I are going to the theater to see “Where the Crawdad’s Sing.” I’m really excited to see it. Beth said I was the one who recommended that book to her but I don’t remember doing so. Nevertheless I expect it to be entertaining and hopefully there will be parts that I will remember. But even if I don’t that’s okay. Time with my daughter as well as time away from home, and a break for Keith—oh yes, and theater popcorn!
My memory continues to fade, which I think is evident in every post now, I’m sure. I know I often repeat myself, which I blame to not having much to say.
I often think my condition and emotions must be similar to when my Mom was diagnosed with incurable cancer of the stomach, EXCEPT she didn’t repeat herself and wasn’t CRANKY. She was a stoic woman, with a soft coating. She never complained, but gently and kindly would ask for a pain pill or a glass of water. Which became less frequent as the days passed.
I so want to model her, but I think that possibility has already passed by. I know I can be very cranky at times, feeling sorry for myself, but for the most part, when I’m in that ‘state’ I do my best to busy myself with reading, walking, embroidering…anything to keep me from complaining.
Well once again, thank you for reading my diatribes…it helps get it out of me.