April 24, 2022
I’m confused about my dates of posting, but I’ll let it go and write this one anyway. It’s 8:30am and I’ve been up for at least an hour or longer. With the longer days, earlier sunrises, I just can’t sleep in. Yet I have nothing to do: to fill my time, to feel useful. I’m in what I would call ‘a rather bad place.’ Confusion of days, dates, and times mingling together, and I can’t sort them out without going to my desk calendar, and sometimes that doesn’t even help, since I often enter the wrong dates or times.
Today is Sunday, and my old Missouri Synod Lutheran upbringing of ‘guilt’ pops up and causes me to feel shame that I’m not going to church anymore or saying my prayers faithfully. Nevertheless, I do believe in a Higher Being, and Grace.
This morning my thoughts come and go. They move from rational to irrational, calm to anxious. Like
Alice in Wonderland, I often feel like I’m in a strange land with strange people who come and go, and visions that appear and vanish. But unlike Alice I have no Mad Hatter to help guide me. One might think of God as my guide, but even God can’t fix what is wrong with me.
But ‘it is what it is,’ and likely there will come a time soon when I don’t even know or care about ‘what is.’
But today is a beautiful day, windy but pleasant temperatures, and as the sun dances around the clouds, a new picture is painted in the sky every few minutes. Oh, the solace of my home! I am grateful for every plant, every tree, every valley, and every critter that shares this sacred space with me.
April 28, 2022
I see I haven’t posted for four days. No idea why, I likely wrote in my journal but I’m unsure of that also. And just too lazy to get up out of my chair and check. The pale day this morning (10:13am) matches my spirit. Being confused most of the time is exhausting and excruciating; it wears my brain out, tires me, and always reminds me of my mental decline. Life challenges us humans, in many diverse ways. But I’m rather tired of this particular one.
Seems this Spring is going to be slow to arrive. Everything is leafless and brown. Perhaps I’m ‘rushing’ things, but I can’t help but long for the ‘greens’ to hurry up. Spring symbolizes life and regrowth, which may mean reincarnation. Who knows?
My memory losses truly ‘annoy me’ (a favorite expression my granddaughter Colleen used when she was just four, and one I really like…the phrase is so applicable to so many happenings.) Just writing Colleen’s name makes me sad. I see so little of my grands and great grands, and remember their ‘cuteness’ even less. But I am pleased that my son Steven has gotten to know Colleen now that they are both in Boston, and vice versa. She is definitely a ‘sweetie’—and a smart sweetie at that.
These days life is repetitious, even as I still am in awe of nature and her ability to ‘know just what to do and when.’ And she does it so very, very well.
Well, I’m at the point where I don’t have much to say/write. Time passes, and nature refreshes, and life runs it’s course.