April 2, 2022
I haven’t written in a while, at least not at this computer…my laptop. But then again, what do I know? My memory condition is like a hole in a dam that expands as more and more water washes through it. I’m aware of the lapses, but these days I just brush them away; there is no value on dwelling on what can’t be replaced. Still, it is annoying—I think I’m past frustrating. Well maybe not totally past, but it is easier to let it go instead of mourning what is gone time and again.
Of course, these gloomy days haven’t helped. I’m longing for Spring—a real Spring—where plants are peeking through the soil and birds are returning. The winter has been exceptionally mild, judging from the Mississippi River not having frozen over. Due to my lack of walking this winter, I feel lazy and uninspired to wrap up and get out. Instead, I walk the treadmill and watch reruns.
‘Reruns,’ that’s an interesting word—as well as a good word for my repetitive routine, which doesn’t change much. That is one way I try to cope.
I long to travel with my daughter to Estonia to meet the new baby boy that is due to arrive in late April or early May. But that is never going to happen—traveling, I mean. My brain just can’t deal with that much change anymore.
Okay, what’s positive in my life? The chickens and the ducks continue to entertain me, especially the ducks. They glide in our pond as if they are weightless, which I guess in a way they are. And of course, my cat, who graces me with her presence at her choosing.
But undoubtedly it is Keith who has the most patience. It seems to me that as time goes on his patience increases—likely it is out of love—but still, one can only repeat and repeat so often without getting tired of it. So, in a week he is going to Boston to visit Steven and help him establish his beehives. My faithful and loyal college gals will ‘babysit’ me. Good thing they don’t live closer, or I would have indeed worn out their patience by this time.
Which of course, always reminds me that I’ve lived too long. What is my purpose or value? I feel like a ‘taker’—of time, energy, and resources. But alas, I always arrive at the same answer: “I’m not in charge!”