April 12, 2022
Oh, my confusion continues to increase. I can’t remember the day or the month without checking my calendar. Even as I’m typing, I’m wondering if I have written this before. I will try and write about a new topic of my current state and condition. Every day seems to bring a decline in my memory. Not big things, but the simple everyday pieces and questions that continue to be so repetitive and annoying—such as: What am I currently reading? And am I doing so online, or did I purchase a book? What did I do yesterday, and/or do I have anything planned for today? Is it time to write another piece for my posts? What did I write about last?
I so want to be able to explain how dementia feels to me, and affects my life and how it has also affected my family and friends. The frustrations, the repetitive questions: Where is…? Are we going anywhere today? Is Keith going somewhere? Is Beth going to visit me today? Or Michelle?
Answers: We are not going anywhere today. Keith likely will ‘run into town’ for ‘something’…which I always think it is really an escape for him; it is likely he will run into to someone he knows and enjoy a chat with them.
I try to calm myself by reminding myself I can always rely on Keith to give me the answers, and not feel too embarrassed or ashamed. He is so patient with me, even as I know my repetitive questions must be tiring. Fortunately, I can still be safe staying at home alone. But likely the time is coming soon when that won’t be possible either.
As I’m writing this, I think I’ve have written similar posts before. But I don’t have the patience to check. This is one of worst curses and the frustrations of Alzheimer’s—the not remembering, and feeling foolish, dumb, childish, embarrassed, and vulnerable.
Yet here I am writing, and thinking I’m at least being somewhat informative, and hopefully—helpful. But then I always remind myself people can always unsubscribe.