April 21, 2022
It seems as if my decline is increasing each day (perhaps I’ve written this before, if so I’m sorry). But I’m writing this as a reminder for my readers, as well as for myself of the fact that I have a disease that cannot be cured. A disease that feels frustrating, humiliating, and demeaning—at least for me and at the stage I’m in right now.
I’m unable to find the right metaphor (or metaphors), to describe all the emotions that ‘take hold’ of me at various times during a day. Sadness and pity at times; of course, frustration and impatience at forgetting most of yesterday or where my children live, or what are the names of my great grandchildren.
Add to this, I wonder if I have made any plans for today? The simplest action would be to ‘ask’ but I don’t because likely the answer from Keith will be ‘check your calendar!’ Well, not so often now since I recently asked him not to say that to me anymore. But my inner voice seems to enjoy scolding me for my forgetfulness at any chance she can get. I often get not only frustrated with myself, but angry, annoyed, and aggravated. And that’s when the pity comes in to play. ‘Oh, poor me. Oh, your life is so tough. You don’t deserve this… etcetera, etcetera.’
Thankfully, I can usually pull myself out of the self-pity in a short time and move on, by simply looking around my home and surroundings; by bringing to mind my family and friends; my physical health; and the reality that I can still function almost (I emphasize almost) normally.
I know I have written this before, but I truly need to hear it again and again, as perhaps so do some of my readers. Dementia is a harsh disease that affects all aspects of my life, my personality, and emotions. It robs me of my dignity, my value and worthiness. Regardless, I still have control over most of my emotions, actions, and behaviors.
I NEED TO KEEP THAT LAST SENTENCE IN MIND!!!