March 1, 2022, 10:30 AM
I’m so confused—again.
Did I write or didn’t I? Have I had my breakfast of not? Am I still reading a book…and if so, what and where is it?
My days are filled with questions, that no one can answer…even me.
At times these struggles to ‘remember’ wear me out. Other times they cause me to feel sorry for myself. And often they create fear for what is to come…not fear for myself, but for my loved ones. They will have to make decisions that are not clear, that change not only my life, but theirs. Decisions that can be costly, lonely, and perhaps, ultimately, life ending.
I pray when this time comes I will not ‘know’ what is best, nor will I care. I’ll just sit, like the many people I visited during my hospice days—just sit and stare out of clouded eyes and blank faces. Oh, as a society, we have not done our elders a gift, by keeping them alive in such a state.
These are not words of self-pity, but of the wisdom of having visited so many people in the nursing homes during my Hospice days, and thinking of not being able to ‘just let them go.’ I know I’ve written about this before, but it stays in my mind and causes me anxiety. Too much time and money spent on keeping those who are ready to go, be able to do so. Just let life run its natural course; it’s so much kinder.
Mom’s death was a perfect example. There was no unneeded intervention, just being present and loving. I know Keith and my children will honor the natural ending of life, which will also be a lesson for their children and significant others.
Okay, I’m feeling better. I will print this in duplicate and put one copy on the fridge.
With my love to my dearest family.