Thursday, June 17 , 2021
Dementia is a terrible disease—truly terrible at least in the early stages, when one realizes what they don’t remember. I know this sounds strange, but it feels even more strange. I have bits and pieces of memories, but few details. Adding to the frustration, I not only know that I don’t remember, but I know things are getting worse. I am aware of what is slipping away. I sometimes wonder if not knowing at all might be better; I guess I’ll see if that is the truth. But I doubt it.
I suspect that this summer might be the last one I will recall. My brain is losing grip on so many things. Oh, I hope and pray I don’t forget my family, especially Keith. I’ve been trying to recall details of how the process looked for the ladies I visited when I was active with hospice, to help me create an idea of what it might be like…but of course, I can’t do that either.
I’ve been trying to embrace this spring and summer, to inhale and exhale the fragrances of new growth, warm breezes, blue skies, returning birds. My life has been so rich with people, family, travels, diversity, spectacular vistas. Oh, and yes, animals.
Still, I find self-pity to be a recurring companion; a terrible way to spend one’s time on earth. At the same time I’m anxious to reunite with Mom and Dad. Two ‘pulls’ I have no control over.
Had a phone call from Duncan this morning (I think). He is my first grandchild, and he is so faithful. I hold the memory of the time he lived with us close to my heart—such a gift.
I don’t like when I’m in the dumps like this…self pity is evil. But to be honest, I am afraid of what’s ahead. Will I know what I don’t know? Will I continue to be as frustrated as I feel lately? Will I be kind or mean or angry? In some ways I feel quite childish, having to ask so many questions and feeling disoriented. Sometimes I feel like I am merely taking up space.
I’m trying to remind myself to be in the moment. Embrace this glorious day of late spring. Of what I am still capable of being—but it is getting more and more difficult to do so.
Patience is what I’m lacking.